I often Try to Blog

Honestly, this is not something I do very often. I don't write in journals (Even though I have about half a million of them.) So I can't say if this whole blogging idea is going to last very long. I'll probably keep it up for a few weeks (if I don't lose interest in a few days) and then let it drop on the way-side. I often do that with this sort of thing. Like that silly Horror Movie Review blog. I dunno, I just lost interest. Besides, I'd rather watch movies with people than watch them alone to review them. That's just sad, and goes to show how pitiful my life is.

I've been trying to change my life. Trying to change how I live, who I interact with and what I do. It's not working very well. I'm still spending most of my time sitting at home with the fam (Or in my room as in most cases). I have, however started playing Poker on Tuesdays. It's a nice get-away, and something to help Wednesday come faster. I'm not bad at poker, considering I learned how to play by watching Celebrity Poker Showdown. Epic show. Anyway, so I've been playing and doing fairly well. I'm glad I can play the game, it'd be silly to play and suck at it! Plus, guys don't seem to expect girls to be able to play Poker. Good thing I can kick their asses right?

Okay, so I've had something sitting pretty heavily on me lately. I'm one of those girls that's got a ton of self-confidence. I know I'm attractive and that guys like me, but I'm always always always afraid to even try to start anything with the male gender. I don't know how to explain it. I guess, when I find myself really really like a guy, I start feeling scared that he doesn't like me as much as I like him, and that he's just going to find a different girl that strikes his fancy all the more. And then I start getting afraid that I'll talk to him too much, or too little or want to spend too much time with him...or too little. And then I start pushing him away so I won't get hurt. And it sucks. Honestly makes me want to cry. I haven't even considered actually being in a relationship with anyone since, well Brett, and that was like what? Three years ago? Give or take. I dunno. I'm afriad that's gonna happen again. I'm starting to have these doubts.

Maybe I'm just jealous. That's probably it. I'm a stupid jealous bitch. Ugh! I am pretty seriously tired of feeling this way. I need some reassurance.

Anyway! I dug out most of my notebooks that I currently have at my house. There's not many of them, and most of them don't have much in them. A lot of crap. I'm excited to get the rest of my crap from my old place. That way, I'll be able to go through every single one of my notebooks. I do have a huge container with some. At least twenty notebooks, if not more! Maybe that'll inspire me to write. If not, at least I'll have a lot of paper. And I'll be distracted for a little while. I need to be distracted from my thoughts.

I don't want to keep holding people at arms length.

Ciao.
Mandy