Without Inspiration...

I feel like I've been in this rut for too long. I miss writing more than anything, and yet every time I put pen to paper I have nothing to say. Can that be the truth, that I really have nothing to say? I feel like it's the truth. What a depressing thought. I hope that I'm just in some weird writing rut that I can quickly break out of. I'm attempting to read more books, hopefully that'll pull me out of this bizzare hole.



Someone told me I should just force myself, but do you know how hard it is to force yourself to write when you have nothing to say? Hell, even this blog entry is taking me forever to write. Seriously. Like three weeks now I've tried to write this. Okay, that's so an overstatment. I wrote my last one...I don't remember when. A while ago right? Anyway, I'm trying. I'm forcing myself! See my forcing myself?

Anyway, it's been an interesting couple of weeks. Quit my night job. It was taking too much out of me, also, if you're not a night person, than damnit you're not a night person. I'm working in the basement of Washakie now, which is significantly nicer! I'm not tired all the time at least. It'll be an adventure to say the least.

Also, I'm still fighting with Lccc over Financial aid. Seriously? I feel like I've been doing this for six months. Oh right. I have! Awesome. How awesome is Lccc? Man I'm ready to be in Casper. Just 11 months. Hopefully less! They're already more on the ball than Lccc.

Still having boy worries. I know, I know, I need to focus on making myself a better person, and improving my life, and not worry about boys. But I can't help it. I like them. Anyway, I just thought I'd inform all you delightful boys that don't read my silly blog that, if you have a girlfriend, tell the girl that you've decided to lead on. Or! Hell don't lead a girl on. Seriously, rudest thing ever, and can make life super awkward. Well, at least I can be the bigger person. (I'm really not that upset. I mean, seriously, 18. What would I do with him?) Ha!

Anyway! Boy drama aside. Life has been going well. I'm spending more time with my Kayley. I missed her so dreadfully. It's been a lot of fun, dressing up and going out and dancing like the sexy beasts we are. And we are very sexy beasts. I've realized that I have more girlfriends this year than I've had in my entire life. Weird!

Well, that's it. I forced myself to write. Here's a new blog for you.

Ciao
Mandy

I Fail

I told you I'd get tired of this blog in a matter of days. Seriously, I am bad at journalling and you thought I'd be able to keep this updated. Seriously? You're more niave than I expected. That's alright. I'm going to try to do a better job, of course this'll just be another thing to distract me from Homework. Awesome. I forgive it, you should too.

Okay, so what's been happening since April you ask? I could go through this month by month but I don't honestly feel like it. This summer was really quite hard on me, and I learned a lot about myself. It was a weird summer.

Camp was at the new site, Rim Rock. Beautiful place, and it was a great summer. I got to fight with my teeth though. That was lame. But I met some beautiful people from Grace U in Omaha Nebraska. They are simply beautiful and I love all of them. But they're another group of people that I probably won't see but during the summer. Lameness.

I also fought with LCCC all summer, and concluded that next year I will be going to CC, and living in Casper. I need to be there anyway I think.

Right. Camp. So I did all for weeks of camp, which were fun those stressful. I got sick though, by the time the last two rolled around, and lost about 10 lbs, which I promptly gained back once I got to feeling better.

Also, one of my favorite campers came; Lauralei. I love that child but I'm so worried about her. She's had a hard life, and I hate seeing how the world keeps bringing her down. I pray for her ceaselessly. I hope, that some how, someone scoops here up and saves her from the world. Precious child.

Jr. High camp was hard. Not only was I sick, but Monday I got some terrible news. News that I was intent on keeping to myself but feel compelled to divuldge in my blog because, well, no one reads it anyway. I was told I have HPV, which has made things mildly frightening. I mean, I got everything looked at, and fortunately they're not too worried about it but I was terrified for about a month. I told Marie, but she was the only one at camp that knew. I feel bad because everyone was so worried about me, but how could I tell these people that I love so much that I had screwed up big time. It was hard, I cried constantly. Fortunately things seem to be alright, and I had a lot of support here at home (from people that surprised me with how much they supported me). I'll go in for a check and a Pap (Gross!) in a few months. Dec/Jan some time, and see how things look. Hopefully my body will have kicked this things butt and I'll be healthy has a horse.

Other than that scare, I found out that Seth got engaged. Which hit me harder than I expected it to. I know, that those of you who know about Seth are probably like; "Mandy what do you care, you barely had a relationship with him anyway." But I need you to know that I loved him. Yeah. This guy that lied to me and treated me so horribly. I loved him with every fiber of my being, and was so not over him. But, I guess I need to be happy for him. I'll probably never talk to him again, which is a total bummer. I'll get over it eventually.

Let's see...I started school, which is going well. It's exciting to be back in class, though I forgot how much homework sucks. Haha. I'm taking Elementary Algebra, Wyoming History and Biology. Thrilling. Anyone wanna go for me.

Okay, that's about all I've got for now. I'll try to be better about updating this, if anything to keep myself sane. Who knows how well it'll work. Wish me luck.

Mandy

Of Headaches and High School

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Trending Setting

I feel like I've set a trend! I'm looking at my Facebook page and several of my friends have started blogs, and even more are writing little bloggy notes. How exciting. It feels nice to write and get things off your chest, I know! And it's way easier to type! I'm much happier in front of a computer than a notebook I find. Sad I know, but this is why I need one of those little notebook computers. Than I can blog from anywhere! Won't that just be thrilling! I know I'm excited about it! It'll be pretty sweet. Also I'm dying for a new laptop. Mines a piece of crap. A serious piece of crap!

Anyway, I went to Cheyenne with Heath last night to watch Crash of the Titans. Which was pretty much epic. They did such an amazing job with it. It's not a remake, but a reboot, which really isn't the worst thing ever. It was very very fun to watch. And then we stayed for the 10:00 PM showing of Kick Ass, which kicked some freaking ass! That movie was awesome but not kid friendly at all. Poor Adrian! I really enjoyed both of the movies, and an evening with Heath. A girl couldn't ask for a better friend!

We talked about (as we did when we went to Fort Collins) relationships and shoes. And you know, as wrong for me as Flip Flop (Oooh you know, I have to give nick-names!) is I am happy. Or mostly happy, I mean I'm terrified that he's going to hurt me, as I usually am when something is too good to be true. I mean, how many times have I started to let myself get even slightly emotionally attached to a guy and then he turns around and starts seeing someone else. When it's not serious it's not a big deal, but when I really dig someone, as much as I'm digging Flip Flop, I get super self concious. I don't like to be hurt, and when I don't have much to escape to, I try to keep myself from getting hurt. I suppose I should talk to him about this. If I ever see him!

You want to avoid any hasty decisions today, Libra, as these could have long lasting effects on your romantic affairs. If you are attached, you and your partner may be having some problems finding a common ground on a relationship issue. Your conscience may be plaguing you on this one, and in this case you are best to give in to their needs, and wait for your turn down the road. Single? Caution is advised for you today as well, you don't want to jump into anything too soon or make any big decisions today. You may be presented with an opportunity that sounds too good to be true, and you know what that usually means, don't you?

That's what my "Love Horoscope" on Facebook said today. I seriously hate those things. They are creepy! But it really does help. I feel like I'm in that exact situation and I was about ready to do something really stupid. Maybe I'll hold back, wait for a bit, see how the cards fall.

Until then! Enjoy this video and fall in love with this band. Thanks to a certain someone I have this song stuck in my head.




Ciao.
Mandy

Logic Backwards My

I made my schedule for the month of March. It is going to be hell. I'm working part time at the Washakie desk, so four days, and six hours a day at the desk! After a long day with the babies. 4pm-10pm Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Disgusting! I guess only Tuesday and Thursday will suck, but otherwise I'll be fine. I'm not staying in the dorms yet. That'll be in June, when I start working full time at Downey. Which actually won't be that bad, I'll be off at what? Like Four? I think it was four. Maybe it was Six. I'm not sure, I just know I'm working the Downey desk, everyday until is closes, while everyone is in their summer school classes. Everyday, except the weeks I'm at camp!

So Johnny is graduating in like two weeks!! I'm really excited to head up that way, but I'm going with the Grandma, who still doesn't know I have a tattoo. I'm going to have to be extra diligent on the car ride up there. Because if she finds out about it she will kill me! And that would be the worst thing ever! I would probably cry. I would definately cry!! Any, I'll be going to Spokane, Washington on that Friday (Or heading up there) and won't be home until Monday or so. That'll be awesome. I can't believe Johnny is already done with school and I haven't even started. But! He's still got grad school here in Laramie. That'll be pretty much amazing! I can't wait for him to live here!! It's going to be the most fun ever! Seriously. Johnny is like my best friend, I don't even think of him as my cousin, but another brother.

Anyway, so I've got that at the beginning of the Month, and at the end of the Month is Staff retreat in Guernsey. Hopefully I can get up there! I want to go very very badly! It'd be amazing if I was able to! A whole weekend with the people I love most (except you know, my blood relatives). I'm really looking forward to that!

Alright, what to write about...I told you I'm not good at this blogging thing. Half the time my entries won't even have a point to them, it'll just be me writing crap, which I'm best at! Also, misspelling everything because Spell Check has forgotten to work!

Let's see. What else can I tell you about? Oh! I've gotten some art work done for me lately. I'm always getting work done for me! Anyway, it's the image I've got up there. Scary ass Mofo right? Yeah. I wish I could draw like that. Unfortunately I can't claim that as my own. Just my idea. I'd like to do something with it, but i'm not sure what yet. Maybe write a story. That'd be fun. It'd get my creative juices flowing more.

Creative juices sounds naughty!!

My aunt has been staying with us this week, and through next week too. She's looking for a job up here. That'll be weird to have her living here in Laramie, but also neat. I'm still on the edge about how I feel about that. Could be awesome, could be like having another Mom hanging around! Ha!

Anyway, I'm gonna stop typing and go do something else.

Ciao.
Mandy

I often Try to Blog

Honestly, this is not something I do very often. I don't write in journals (Even though I have about half a million of them.) So I can't say if this whole blogging idea is going to last very long. I'll probably keep it up for a few weeks (if I don't lose interest in a few days) and then let it drop on the way-side. I often do that with this sort of thing. Like that silly Horror Movie Review blog. I dunno, I just lost interest. Besides, I'd rather watch movies with people than watch them alone to review them. That's just sad, and goes to show how pitiful my life is.

I've been trying to change my life. Trying to change how I live, who I interact with and what I do. It's not working very well. I'm still spending most of my time sitting at home with the fam (Or in my room as in most cases). I have, however started playing Poker on Tuesdays. It's a nice get-away, and something to help Wednesday come faster. I'm not bad at poker, considering I learned how to play by watching Celebrity Poker Showdown. Epic show. Anyway, so I've been playing and doing fairly well. I'm glad I can play the game, it'd be silly to play and suck at it! Plus, guys don't seem to expect girls to be able to play Poker. Good thing I can kick their asses right?

Okay, so I've had something sitting pretty heavily on me lately. I'm one of those girls that's got a ton of self-confidence. I know I'm attractive and that guys like me, but I'm always always always afraid to even try to start anything with the male gender. I don't know how to explain it. I guess, when I find myself really really like a guy, I start feeling scared that he doesn't like me as much as I like him, and that he's just going to find a different girl that strikes his fancy all the more. And then I start getting afraid that I'll talk to him too much, or too little or want to spend too much time with him...or too little. And then I start pushing him away so I won't get hurt. And it sucks. Honestly makes me want to cry. I haven't even considered actually being in a relationship with anyone since, well Brett, and that was like what? Three years ago? Give or take. I dunno. I'm afriad that's gonna happen again. I'm starting to have these doubts.

Maybe I'm just jealous. That's probably it. I'm a stupid jealous bitch. Ugh! I am pretty seriously tired of feeling this way. I need some reassurance.

Anyway! I dug out most of my notebooks that I currently have at my house. There's not many of them, and most of them don't have much in them. A lot of crap. I'm excited to get the rest of my crap from my old place. That way, I'll be able to go through every single one of my notebooks. I do have a huge container with some. At least twenty notebooks, if not more! Maybe that'll inspire me to write. If not, at least I'll have a lot of paper. And I'll be distracted for a little while. I need to be distracted from my thoughts.

I don't want to keep holding people at arms length.

Ciao.
Mandy